PREVIOUSLY ON THE BADGER…

With Badger beginning a new venture as an interviewer in the creative arts industry, his estranged wife, Belinda, suddenly flees from their sett. Baffled by his wife’s disappearance,  Badger begins to suspect his frisky cousin, Brock, of having an affair with Belinda. In an effort to back up his hunch, Badger turns to The Weasel Detective Agency to track them both down. However, at the end of his last interview, Badger was stunned to discover that Brock is dead. His body found at the side of a country road with two white stripes painted callously over his corpse…The story continues…

[Badger is stretched out on the floor in his sett, with a pretty blonde Hedgehog from Alderney at his side] Hello there! Welcome back to the sett. This week I’m delighted to be joined by Helga.[Badger sucks his teeth as another needle goes into his back] Helga is a homeopathic Hedgehog.[Badger sucks his teeth again as more needles go into his back] She is a specialist in the art of homeopathic medicines. I’ve been feeling a little stressed to be honest and unable to concentrate on work since I found out about Brock’s death. Tom’s been pretty understanding and has kept me in peanuts but I’m not sure that any human gets how scary it is when you find a corpse that has been striped with the mark of Don Warren. [Badger gulps and a little bit of wee runs down his leg] Most of the animals in the wood were celebrating the Jubilee the other week stringing up worms and crisp packets for bunting and stuff like that. The spiders even weaved Union Jack webs which was nice, but I just couldn’t face it! Weasel is still looking for Belinda, but I feel bad about Brock.  I’ve got an interview lined up for next week, but fate stepped in today when the lovely Helga knocked on my door and offered me a free home treatment session. [Badger winces as Helga plucks another of her spines from her back and pushes it into his hairy back] She won’t tell me who sent her, but I know it’s Weasel, he is a cunning little buggar but he has a heart of gold. Helga is a qualified accupuncturist, which reminds me of that time I played rugby against a visiting Porcupine XI from Africa, boy did that get a bit prickly in the second half. Accupuncture doesn’t actually hurt, but it can make you very, very sleepy… [Badger yawns] Right, while you’re here, Helga I thought I might ask you some questions to prep for next week. [Badger yawns] So, you’re into accupuncture and speedboats – have you ever had an aqua puncture? Helga? Helga…[Badger yawns again and his eyes begin to close] Have you ever had a… [Badger yawns, slaps his chops, his eyes close and his head crashes down into the earth inside the sett]

Sleep now, Mr Badger, you are… how they say, finding the Big Sleep [Helga the homeopathic Hedgehog laughs maniacally and removes her tranquilizer quills from Badger’s back, pushing them back into place on her own body] You think that W.A.R.P can keep you hidden from the great Don Warren. No-one testifies again Don Warren and lives to see the dawn. It is time for you to pay the piper and meet the big badger in the sky! Say hello to your cousin, Brock when you get there…Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha…etcetera.

[Badger blinks open his watery eyes. His back feels wet, almost like his back is bleeding. He trys to wiggle his paws but he can’t] Where am I? Hmm, I must have passed out back there, I guess it’s all the stress…Helga you must think I’m so rude! Helga? [Badger tries to pull himself to his feet, but he can’t move. He feels liquid running down his back again] Is that blood? Hang on, I can smell that stuff they put on the road – I’ve been striped! [It’s dark, but Badger can sense he is not in the sett. From out of the darkness, light appears up ahead. More sticky, wet, white paint rolls down his back. The light glows brighter. Shining directly in his eyes. His animal instincts tell him to move but he is paralysed. The metallic animal screeches and swerves. Badger closes his eyes. The noise rips right through him, but then it passes. The light disappears, leaving him in darkness. In the silence, Badger wiggles his paw and kicks out his leg. He feels a rumble against his belly, but he’s not hungry. Sensation returning to his body, he clambers to his feet. As Badger drags his drugged body across the road, a monstrous metallic animal roars towards him with the echoes of Highway To Hell filling the night air…

The Badger will return next week, if he’s okay.

If Badger dies, this blog will be holding a minute of silence next week and looking for a new interviewer. Vacancies will be posted on trees around the wood from next Friday…